French no less

Perhaps I have been watching too many episodes of Heroes or something but I always thought I had a gift of sorts... In my relationships I always thought it was my ability to give and "take care of things..." I knew I wasn't the hottest and I certainly wasn't the richest but I had faith in my voice. I always thought my writing was honest and that I had a knack for telling a story. Some "gifts" can be a nuisance-- sharing of yourself and being vulnerable exposes you... and you become available and accessible in ways people can take advantage of without even knowing...

I was the "sensitive" boy at the bus stop. In my head.. always inside... the dialogue endless and constantly reinventing a reality for myself... "you can be anything..." I was called a fag so many times before I even knew what it meant.... I used to close my eyes really tight before sleep and tell myself I could will it all to be better...

I wanted to trust people so I made myself trustworthy... I failed a million times of course... what part of us prevents us from reinventing our story.... we aren't lairs-- but our perspectives shift... we need to think good things about ourselves to move forward... we need to have a special secret power...

I don't know what beauty is... I know people fall out of love or out of attraction... I know people forget what is important... I will tell you how I feel. I will hope you are attracted to me.... not skin.. not wealth... not definitions of success-- but what I think I'm worth...

This confession has a purpose... I can't sleep... I'm gaining weight... I'm trying to find my footing... I'm closer to understanding how to love myself... And this drippy dialogue makes me feel silly... but inspiration does that... I will write to learn this voice...