11/9/09 (from the poetry realm)

sometimes just

dropped

we are nothing until

we make something of it

idle

here

there

the mind sequencing me

begging something new

need more…

experience

art

art

art

bring me words

bring me answer

bring me lips

ah

the romantic in this

we’re watching one another

I’ve cast my net wide

because someone has a better approach

they have to

absorb me

take me to your leader

lead me off into

the dark/light

everything the inverse when taken from another view

close the curtains

we’re not dead

yet

inside

of this body

mindless

spirit well-wishing

a fog of… nothing worse than—apathy

there is no real justice

in the garden

sometimes stoned

into a suggestion for something more

significant

news worthy

trust filled

politics in graffiti

politics in

consumption

and we’re all afraid of…

the vulnerable

exposed state

the essence of us evidence of—our unguarded

heel

my assault on you abandoned

for love

for prospect of

for me

something better than

more in tune with

more respectful of

me

the way i

roll

the energy I generate

my ability to pontificate

I can explain my scars

explain yours

we haven’t pulled the wishbone

but you’re next

you have to be

someone needs to

appreciate

that there has been no

depreciation

no loss of

no structuring of

no conforming nonsense

sometimes lonely

for what’s next

the 3am conversation

again and again and again

but this time it never ends

and our lust is contained and

evolving

and edifying

what we don’t let go of

shackles

ensnares

draws in

beware of our

limitations to see light

our interest in

pain

the search for a source

the snuffing of our flame

the easy chill of aging and

falling into line

I have no Mini Van dream

no supermarket hey I know you

bonding ritual

breath in new

breath out you

the cut of criticism

making us stoic

lost

immovable

frozen image no self

no esteem

no passion

sometimes deliberate

debilitation leaves you wiser

sometimes it just leaves you in a fucking ditch

looking for providence?

look no further

no really

just stop looking

whisper something witty as you run your tongue

across

lost in our own void

any void to sort

self

sort desire

sort ambition

sort of….

how can I close you?

you are a wedge

but I could set fire to the whole thing

what of ash?

sometimes we just say fuck it I’m done

with it. you. religion. science. purpose. dinner. this. us. future.

but then love. then music. then beauty-earth-color. then community.

then peace.

sometimes I learn.

Stick It In Somewhere (the ex factor)

Let me just say this. Despite tragic bouts with low self esteem I've never considered myself boring... perhaps simple at times-- but never boring.... The typical nightmare of running into your ex with their current whatever can certainly stir the proverbial pot.... but alas-- I was bored in the end.... So I raise a glass (or a wine tasting sample) to all of the ex factors and may they live dull uneventful lives without us... er... I mean may they enjoy the fruits of their labor... shit I mean... good fucking luck with that new persons.... but rest assured that they dated awesome fucking people who made them look good =P

French no less

Perhaps I have been watching too many episodes of Heroes or something but I always thought I had a gift of sorts... In my relationships I always thought it was my ability to give and "take care of things..." I knew I wasn't the hottest and I certainly wasn't the richest but I had faith in my voice. I always thought my writing was honest and that I had a knack for telling a story. Some "gifts" can be a nuisance-- sharing of yourself and being vulnerable exposes you... and you become available and accessible in ways people can take advantage of without even knowing...

I was the "sensitive" boy at the bus stop. In my head.. always inside... the dialogue endless and constantly reinventing a reality for myself... "you can be anything..." I was called a fag so many times before I even knew what it meant.... I used to close my eyes really tight before sleep and tell myself I could will it all to be better...

I wanted to trust people so I made myself trustworthy... I failed a million times of course... what part of us prevents us from reinventing our story.... we aren't lairs-- but our perspectives shift... we need to think good things about ourselves to move forward... we need to have a special secret power...

I don't know what beauty is... I know people fall out of love or out of attraction... I know people forget what is important... I will tell you how I feel. I will hope you are attracted to me.... not skin.. not wealth... not definitions of success-- but what I think I'm worth...

This confession has a purpose... I can't sleep... I'm gaining weight... I'm trying to find my footing... I'm closer to understanding how to love myself... And this drippy dialogue makes me feel silly... but inspiration does that... I will write to learn this voice...

Growth factor

Canceling any services one subscribes to is often a painful and tedious process that usually ends in anger. Why must this be? Twenty minutes later after endless invasive questions, I finally had to say, "it's always so difficult to cancel, this is really annoying..." to which I was met with an angry sigh and this response, "I'm just trying to make sure you're aware of your options." This of course pissed me off because I get tired of feeling like I have to fight to get rid of things I'm paying for... "I'm aware of my options, clearly I'm an experienced consumer, cancel the service now." And with one final huff the service was canceled. Why must I always have to be an asshole to get my way.... this does not seem like a great tactic to keep anyone interested in the services you are providing. What if I had been interested in renewing my services in the future? I know that this has been a sales strategy forever but it's nasty and predatory and I remember that AOL used to be the king of this tactic.... So fuck you Verizon and any other companies that use this strategy to maintain business. With that said, I am sure it will be the same the with any other services I try to cancel but if everyone would express their frustration when put in that position, perhaps they would knock it off....

I'm growing my hair. Some of you know this. What was interesting is that I shaved everything except my head for halloween... what a brutal and ridiculous activity. I feel for women and the social pressure to shave. So until I move to new york, I'm bucking the social pressure to shave and cut (except for nose hairs, those tickle too much).... love me for my natural tendency to grow
hair on my face or catch me in August =P

Peace love- Aa

What I wouldn't do.

So... I just realized I start a lot of statements with "so" and It's strange because it implies that we were already talking a bout something- which we were- the last time I typed something. Let me get in a little shameless self-promotion here-- I would like everyone to click "view original post" when they read this blog, if you can take the time to "follow" my blog, you will help me earn money for booze at the next party... even if you just bring some more "traffic" to my original post, you will help a lot!

Okay now that that is out of the way... One of the things I notice the most when people become intoxicated is the cracks in their exterior. As I mop up the various spills, crumbs, love stains I am reminded of our fragility as a people. We have endless advances in technology, war, consuming but our hearts and minds have undergone very few upgrades. As we age we become more confident in our skin and our sense of self is more developed but when we are hurt it still brutalizes us.

I once had a friend relate something she had learned in class to our needs for consumption-- it didn't just refer to alcohol or drugs but anything that helps soften the blow of stone cold reality. To drink and be merry is a beautiful thing... but when we find ourselves doing nothing but- we should take some personal inventory... Ask the question "what role does this play in my life?" There is no need to judge it.... but take a look at it... see where it brings you... We are a culture hell bent on encouraging us to "check-out" to flip on the tv, to have another coffee, to smoke another cigarette....

It's important that I remember to have actual- tangible connections with my friends.... and I hope you are all well and feeling safe and warm.

Peace

I would blog about cell phones but what's the point

Let me just jump into it. Those of us that live at Eastern Ave and have been exposed to or know this very strange book may find some bizarre characters imitating reality situations... The book Painkillers for Amnesia was written by Patrick Aldrich, who apparently went to Worcester State College and is a musician... see website...> http://www.iosproductions.com/pataldrich.cfm

In other news, I have a list of things to do that is very daunting. Where the fuck have I been? Writing left unsorted, homework half-assed, worked commitments procrastinated.... but here I am, back in the game. Is this a good thing? Living slightly off the grid is sometimes necessary for healing and the like but what do we actually gain from the grid? More things to spend money on? A sense of fear? I'm being mostly sarcastic... I've always been plugged in, so clearly I don't even begin to live "off" the grid.... I encourage everyone to consider a few things that will help keep you connected to actual people rather than devices. I plan on trying desperately to adhere to these.

1) When lunching, dining, communing with friends on any level-- put the phone away. In the days when we only had our land lines to keep us connected, we managed just fine.

2) Never ditch plans with friends for TV programming! Seriously WTF! In the age of Tevo or whatever the hell it is, we should be able to give up our valuable time to the people we care about over the idiot box. (if one is sick however please stay home and watch away)

3) Try as hard as you can not to speak on your phone when in buildings with strangers. (restaurants, bookstores, package stores, trains, planes, buses, cars) You miss an incredible opportunity to connect to new people... yes strangers... but weren't your friends strangers before you got to know them? think of that friend you met in the lunch line at school? what if you had been on the phone? you may never have had that opportunity to barely make it home after the bars that time... oh that's for another blog...

4) Don't hug someone until the end their cell phone conversation. I want full attention hugs!

Will be home in less than 24

So my run in nyc is rapidly coming to an end. By tomorrow evening i will be in worcester again... What's in the cards? Well ladies and gentlemen... you are in the cards.... the next 8 months i want to discover what i can of you and this corner of worcester. I want to make art... write... make love... have sex... fuck... enjoy therapy once a week.... enjoy a bit of the spirits (if you get my drift...). I feel, sadly that my days in Massachusetts are coming to a close.... The one thing people should remember is that my friendships are for life... Hopefully we will always know one another....

But what I really want to rant on is television.... perhaps i can blame tv for my high level of sap lately. As often happens when i vacation somewhere, i watch tv. No exception in nyc and my dear friends who house me always seem to have an excellent cable selection. Unfortunately I am so overloaded on american culture i don't know what to write about or protest about... sometimes i'm like, "oh cool, this fun" and the other times i'm like, "what the fuck just happened to my brain?" It's as if my intellect, senses, and use of my limbs gets temporarily sucked away and stored somewhere next to the take out, porn, or book i'm not reading. The tv zone is very draining and not completely guilt free. On the upside I get to hear about the Playboy girls and the "fun they have at the mansion!"

This rant is overtired and late, but i'm sort of trying to get in the habit of this. I think I've found something i want to document. The process of moving to nyc and going to grad school. I know it sounds bland at first, but i promise lots of fun eccentric behavior, not limited to fine foods, good wine, outlandish parties, stressful work weeks, masturbation, sex and poetry (of course).

Peace love.... see you on the other side (of okay...)

Overcast NYC Good Ol Friends

I hope I remember this correctly.... I'm meeting Ginny at... well it started at 42nd st, then Union square, and finally I believe we have settled on.... shit... well the stop is Bleeker st. on the 6 and there is a crate and barrel in there somewhere... not previously discussed barnes and noble... i hope it's not too early for a beer....

Inspired by my love of talking to myself, I now have a blogger profile, which apparently is now run by google.... back in the day it wasn't... i used to read this guy's blog who wrote really dirty erotica and was from england, he was my age... what happened to that i wonder? too many laptops ago i guess.... anyway... the effort here is meant to purge my head of things that take up too much space...

i love this city. i will be here this time next year. no doubt in my mind.